My fear is that I have a terrible fault that I am totally unaware of but that everyone else notices—sort of like a wart on my nose. By Miriam Sagan

I’m haunted by a weird—no doubt foolish—fear. My fear is that I have a terrible fault that I am totally unaware of but that everyone else notices—sort of like a wart on my nose.
Now, I—and everyone else in my life—am aware of my regular faults. I’m rude. I eat with my fingers. I can’t get through TSA without a fight or weeping. I’m impatient. I’m a careless housekeeper and an overly cautious driver. People honk me. No one says they can eat off my kitchen floor. I’m territorial. I like to tidy up and throw out other peoples’ things. I tend to leave apples cores and cooling cups of coffee in my wake.
On the deeper potentially worse level, if you believe in that kind of thing, I’m somewhat judgmental, have been known to gossip, and curse violently at the slightest provocation. I’m bossy, and usually think I’m right. Okay. This really doesn’t look that bad. It looks pretty average, pretty human. But what if I’m missing something?
My fear really took off when I started to write fiction more seriously. Fiction, story, after all is character driven—and usually that character has a flaw. I think my flaw is fear, but I find that more of an emotional illness—anxiety—than a fault. I don’t like it either. It’s been hard to change, though God knows I’ve tried. But it is the only flaw I even attempt to work on.
The truth is, I do nothing about my actual faults. Basically, I accept them. I like throwing things out. (As long as those things aren’t apple cores). I like cursing. I secretly believe rudeness is appropriate at TSA. Fits of self improvement don’t last very long. I don’t have any real intention of changing.
And quite possibly I don’t have a secret to me but known to others flaw. Maybe I’m an egomaniac who wonders what people are thinking of her when they are most likely thinking…ABOUT THEMSELVES. Wondering if I find them loud or rude or oddly dressed. But maybe not.

6 thoughts on “My fear is that I have a terrible fault that I am totally unaware of but that everyone else notices—sort of like a wart on my nose. By Miriam Sagan

  1. Hello! Thank you for this post. I am moving to Santa Fe in six months and am so delighted that human beings like you live there! It is incredibly brave to put out such honesty. That’s why you write great poetry. You know what is the real. As for the wart on the nose, the shock of life is discovering — unless you are a celebrity or the queen — that nobody is really looking at us because everyone is looking in the mirror for the wart on the nose. We are so hard on ourselves. (Although there are people who seriously need to look up from the mirror time to time, more so than most of us. Thank you Miriam! Stay human! But it is OK to be patient with TSA people too — what a lousy job.

  2. Seems to me if others find fault with a wart on a person’s nose then the problem is their’s, not the person with the wart…And, of course, warts are a result of a viral infection that the body’s immune system is fighting, and the fact that the the body is fighting is a good thing. And, I appreciate your Jersey City Jewish “faults” – they are authenticate…(: Just my two cents.

  3. The title! Absolutely wonderful and eye catching. This piece both cracks me up…and gives me a sense of approval for my love of my own “faults”. Thank you for sharing this!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s